今天,我们就用托福写作的两个例子来对上面的问题做一个解析。
我们先来看托福独立写作(Independent Writing)对于满分文章(5分)的一点要求:
Is well organized and well developed, using clearly appropriate explanations, exemplifications, and/or details
绿字部分说的是,我们的文章要有合适的例子作为支持。“例子要合适”,这看起来是再简单不过的要求,但却反映了托福语言测试的一个要求:我们语言的内容要有基本的逻辑,不能用不合逻辑的例子来支撑文章。
例如下题:
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
Always telling the truth is the most important consideration in any relationship.
Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.
在找寻分论点时,很多同学都会想到“善意的谎言(white lies)”。善意的谎言在关系的维系中同样重要,这一个分论点不错。而为了支撑这一点,不少同学又会想到用“医生不告诉病人真相”这个例子来支撑。于是就有了下面这句话:
Many doctors do not tell their patients the fact that they are really sick, so the patients will recover; on the contrary, if the patients are told the truth, they will become much sicker and even die from fear.
这段话看似有道理,字数也不少,但却犯了托福写作评分的大忌--没逻辑,也因此算不上合适的例证(appropriate exemplification)。
啥?没逻辑?我怎么觉得逻辑非常通顺啊?!
让我们仔细想想,上面这个例子虽然看起来很符合常识,但其实经不起推敲:为什么医生只要把病情的真相告诉病人,病人就一定会(注意原文中will这个词)病情恶化甚至死亡?而相反,医生只要隐瞒病情,病人就可以痊愈?这样一看,似乎是医生的一句话就能定生死,而医生的医术,医疗设备和其他外部条件完全不起作用。
这样想想,上面这个例子就显然不符合逻辑了,我们也就能够明白为什么它不是一个合适的例证了。
那么,应该如何修改呢?--很简单,我们只要改动几个词,加上一两句话,整个段落的逻辑就显得比较合理了。
如下:
Many doctors do not tell their patients the fact that they are really sick so that their patients may keep a good mood, which may further enable them to recover; on the contrary, if the patients are told the truth, they may suffer from shock, sorrow and despair, and may even refuse to receive any further treatment, which could ultimately lead to the deterioration of their sickness.
在上一段中,我们主要做了两个修改:
▶ 把will这样表示可能性极高的词替换成了may, could这样更加委婉的词,让说理显得更加留有余地;
▶ 对病情起到作用的并非是医生的话,而是病人在听了医生的话之后的态度和反应,原文段中正是没有认识到这一点才会让逻辑显得很突兀。因此在修改中,我们加入了绿色的句子,让逻辑显得更加通顺,更加符合常理。
修改之后的文段就比较符合逻辑了,这也就贴合了托福写作测试的语言的基本要求:语言的内容要有基本的逻辑。
另外,很多同学过分关注托福语言,这也是不对的。例如,如果我们把原文改成这样:
The concealment of sickness from the patients by some doctors will ameliorate the illness; what is in great contrast, however, is that the revelation of the illness is bound to exacerbate it and even trigger death.
这一段中,concealment, ameliorate, revelation, exacerbate, trigger等大词层出不穷,乍一看让文章很亮眼。但实则文章语言在内容上就缺乏基本的逻辑,即便有这样的GRE式的语言,也很难让文章得到高分。学过GRE再去学托福的同学尤其应该重视这一点。
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